Dipsticks...The Evolution of a Species

Dipsticks…
The Evolution of a Species

Darwin is deceased, but Dipsticks live on…and are evolving!

Huh, you ask? The short answer is that it is connected to Christmas, improbable as that may sound. Yes, it’s a stretch, but look, Christmas is a stretch, too.

Christmas is full of improbabilities…even small children know it’s a ruse, sort of. They know fat men with white beards cannot possibly skinny down chimneys, that reindeer don’t fly, and elves are a myth. They know Santa’s workshop is the internet, not a North Pole igloo, and that gifts are delivered by a UPS elf in a brown uniform, not a red suit. First grade Science classes dispel this nonsense. Willy Wonka and his Chocolate Factory is far more credible...even I believe that!

How, you ask, can a dipstick species possibly evolve into a connection to Christmas? I’ll explain.

I purchased an “evolved dipstick” while in McIntosh County at Harold Webster’s Christmas Tree Farm last Sunday, and again Tuesday. Buying a tree up there is a cultural event, sort of, at least as cultural as McIntosh County can get. And both my wife and the Right Reverend Brearley witnessed the dipstick’s extraordinary evolution.

You know what a dipstick is, right? It’s a long, greasy rod inserted in a cylindrical tube that extends into an engine block. It measures the fluid level in the engine, and no self-respecting Southern lady would ever touch one for fear of grease.

Well, the dipstick has evolved, “branched out,” you might say. It has joined the Green Movement and is now used to measure the water level in the tree stand. That’s right. It’s now a long plastic tube that extends into the tree stand with a cup on one end. It has a clear plastic tube that is inserted. Water is poured into the cup and the clear tube measures the water level in the stand. Ingenious, huh? Why crawl around on the floor filling the stand with water and uttering un-Christmas expletives? Santa hears these things!

Dipsticks have a colorful past, like Christmas and many of you. In fact, dipsticks were first discovered in a NASCAR shade-tree mechanic’s back yard near Darien back in the early 1900’s. Rumor has it that Henry Ford had once come through the county heading south on US 17 in one of his Model A’s. He was waylaid by some locals for resembling a Yankee, relieved of his Model A and last seen fleeing on foot towards the safety of Sea Island. Some say, that is.

Anyhow, rumor has it the car ended up being impounded as evidence by Sheriff Poppwell, and in its disassembly, the dipstick was discovered.

Dipsticks were born as honorable nouns. They have now evolved into vitriolic verbs, used derogatorily when referring to the concept of “dipsticking” someone, i.e., drilling down into their psyche to determine attitudes, intelligence and pecuniary proclivities. It’s a favorite word of congressional inquisitioners and financiers these days.

Dipsticks have evolved into ill repute by keeping company with unsavory characters. According to The Dukes of Hazard, people who are stupid, obnoxious and dummies are referred to as such. Today the news is replete with multiple applications of the term…case in point, Obama and the Illinois Gov. Blagojevich/Jackson being dipsticked by the media. In McIntosh County confessions are more readily forthcoming!

Word is that the Big Three auto execs are again heading to Sea Island for the winter sunshine after the Bailout Party is over. I’m pretty sure they’ll be driving, maybe carpooling, and the route does pass thorough Darien.

Now, there is no shortage of dipsticks in the South, and especially in Darien. I suspect, given the opportunity, these dips would like nothing better than to again stick the Detroit dips for more auto racing parts…or just for fun or for old times sake.

No household should be without a dipstick watering device. Yes, technically the tree is dead, and all you’re doing with the water is bailing it out for another week or so before it’s hauled off to the recycle bin. But after all, it is Christmas, and generosity is expected.
He that hath ears, let him hear.

Christmas is incomplete without evolved dipsticks around, and as my wife is fond of saying, “I have two in my home!” How about you?

Bud Hearn
December 11, 2008