The Exit...The Artful Escapist Part II

We have previously explored creative means for the avoidance of unpleasant intrusions in The Seated Dinner Party and The Cocktail Party. Today Houdini will risk life and limb on the high wire with off-the-wall ideas for other situations of entrapment.

Political and Fund-Raising Receptions
Large congregations include many “undesirables”. Caution is advised. Your dress will often attract these reprobates, especially if you wear tortoise-shell glasses or dark Hollywood shades. You will be mistaken for an Ivy League scholar or celebrity, but you can have fun in that pretense. They will assume you are “somebody” and will, like the leeches they are, attach themselves to you. The more outrageous you concoct some cockamamie life story, the more will be attracted.

But to escape, assuming you are tired of your dissembling routine, summarily dismiss these irrelevant, servile zeroes with a simple statement: “Excuse me, I must check in with my Secret Service Agent,” whispering that you are living under a witness protection program. This intrigue will raise your stature, and you will become immortal.

It’s hard to “work the room” effectively in large crowds, and time won’t permit you to work it one-on-one. Try the The Wink, Nod and Finger Pointing Method. Very effective. Catch their eye at a distance as you move Gatsbyesque through the crowd (this will be easy, since they will be doing likewise, “to see and be seen”, since it’s all about them and you, of course). Point the index finger directly at them, wink and nod…you both will be acknowledged and affirmed! For verily, you both will have received your reward.

This method will assure the avoidance of being cornered by some loser contaminating the light of your reflective glory. It will also rescue you from gossipmongers who spread malicious lies about having seen you consorting with such outcasts. It is tough to live this reputation down, so avoid it at all costs. Of course, should you feel particularly gregarious, simply station yourself by the bar, food table or, better yet, the exit door. You will be able to see everybody at one time or another, and if you’re at the exit door, they will be in a hurry to leave so there will be no linger-longer conversations.

The Unannounced Office Intruder
This is a particularly delicate situation. There you are, working away, or napping, or wrapping up to go home…and in they walk. They plop down on the corner of your desk, or in the available chair. They always have some joke or hard-luck story to tell you, both of which are boringly long. You daydream you had a Taser, or a 45 caliber, for them or yourself. But no, out of decorum you sit back and get dumped on. Solution, give ‘em the real long silent treatment… Utter no syllable.

Remember Negotiations 101? The first one to speak after a silence loses. They will tell you the story three times, and finally get tired of hearing themselves talk. Whereupon you exclaim with authority, “Well, so good of you to stop by. I was just leaving.” (The word “Well” always signifies that something’s over) Get up immediately, head to the bath room or exit door (you can always come back when they’re gone). Not particularly creative, but highly effective.

Airplane Encounters
Solutions are limited. You sit there, praying it’ll be your lucky day and some drop-dead good looking somebody will occupy the seat next to you. But No, as always, some bulging, unwashed airport roadkill in a tank top and flip-flops sleazes in, and conversation in Neanderthal grunts ooze from this abomination. You have three choices:

• First, fall asleep quickly. Cowards do this.
• Secondly, look the person in the eyes, sneer in disgust. Takes real nerve.
• Lastly, feign a virulent illness. The attendant will relocate you, perhaps to First Class with free alcohol.

Perhaps God orchestrates these unwelcome intrusions for His entertainment and our creativity. Long shot, maybe. Nonetheless, the unwelcome intruder, Mr. Not Enough Time, has crept into my space with his same old story… tick, tick, tick. And from him there is no escape!

Get creative, and let me know your success stories. I can’t wait!!!

Bud Hearn
February 26, 2009