Graceful Exits...The Artful Escapist

Ah, Spring, and Alfresco affairs…. Also, Death by Conversation with boring and socially inept persons.

These people are found everywhere…you may be one. Have you ever asked, “How do I escape this insipid person?” Here are some novel methods.

The Seated Dinner Party
A very touchy situation. Pre-planning is essential. Scope out in advance the place cards of your table guests. Stealthily switch them to reposition yourself, or to punish a friend.

If the place-card ploy fails, try the “cold shoulder approach.” On your right is a hypochondriac. On your left, a deaf-mute with hygiene issues. You have two options: First, announce your disappointment with the entrée. Boldly pull out your brightly-wrapped tin of King Oscar sardines. Often you don’t have to open it, for you will be shunned by both. If pressured, then pop the top. Great respect follows this act!

Perhaps you find one of the two guests mildly interesting. Then turn the “cold shoulder” to the other. The rejected one will persecute another guest…not your problem.

Special inventiveness is required to remove yourself from the table. Aside from the usual crudities, like, “It must be the wine…Excuse me.” Or, “I must have swallowed a bone—I’ll be back if I live.” In either case, it will solve the problem and your prolonged absence will add drama to the table. No? Then try this: Take your cell phone, study it, and loudly exclaim, “Oops, my parole officer is calling,” as you hurry from the table. This leaves the door open to return, or not.

The Cocktail Party
Maybe you’ve been cornered by one with respiration de saumon, or respiration de vin… Mr. Fish Breath and Ms. Wine Exhaler. These people invade your spatial comfort zone, mingling words with malodorous mists. Escape is urgent. Look into the crowd, raise your hand and wave wildly, exclaiming, “Oh, Hi, be right over.” Utter a terse “Catch you later,” as you slip the noose, disappearing into the throng. Says Martha, the island doyenne, “deceptive but effective.”

Often you’re in a crowd discussing golf or other stupid subjects. Glance at your drink, remark indignantly, “Is it just me that got the rot-gut liquor?” Or, with panache, simply grimace and gag, “I must have grabbed someone else’s drink.” Return when the conversation reverts to salacious gossip or the Sports Illustrated issue with tantalizing photographs of beach scenery.

Another favorite quick-escape is to interject in a conversation lull, “Interesting…hold that thought, I’ll be right back.” Another Unfortunate passerby will soon be entrapped.

Sometimes escape is easier if you’re with someone. Lauren, a disarmingly cute island ingénue, said that before going into a party, she and a friend would have “code words or signs” that translate, “Dump the jerk… quick, find the door!” Never fails, she boasts.

Then there’s the “High-five approach.” As you enter, scan the room, see who and where The Dullards are. You can dodge them, of course, but decorum demands you minimally attempt to acknowledge their presence. Hustle by, bump them with your elbow. Or give them the old “high-five” salute or perfunctory shoulder pat. They’ll never suspect your insincerity.


Receptions
Large congregations include many “undesirables”. Attire often attracts these reprobates, especially if wearing tortoise-shell glasses or dark Hollywood shades. Strangers will mistake you for an Ivy League scholar or celebrity, so pretend. They will assume you are “somebody” and will, like the leeches they are, attach themselves to you. Concoct some cockamamie life story… it’ll improve their dull lives.

When dissembling becomes boring, escape by dismissing these irrelevant, servile zeroes with, “Excuse me, I must check in with my Secret Service Agent.” Whisper that you are in a witness protection program… intrigue will raise your stature.

It’s difficult to “work the room” in large crowds, so try the The Wink, Nod and Finger Pointing Method. Very effective. Catch their eye at a distance as you strut Gatsbyesque through the crowd (they will be doing likewise, “seeing and being seen”. It is, after all, about them and you). Point the index finger directly at them, wink and nod…both of you will be acknowledged and affirmed! For verily, you both will have received your reward.

This method eliminates being cornered by some weirdo basking in the light of your reflective glory. It also rescues you from gossipmongers who spread malicious lies about having seen you conversing with such outcasts. If you feel particularly gregarious, simply station yourself by the bar, food, or exit. Everyone passes there sooner or later. At the exit there will be no linger-longer conversations.

Eventually, goodbyes must be said. The quickest way out is to break in line, kiss the hostess, pat the host’s arm and exit. They’ll be relieved at your departure.

One last reminder from The Artful Escapist: If you plan to smile during the party, avoid like the plague the spinach dip….

Bud Hearn
March 6, 2009