Lamentations for the Moon

…..”(T)he moon’s an arrant thief, and her pale fire snatches from the sun.” Shakespeare

They came, they walked, they left. It wept. It was July 20, 1969.

On that date the veil of the moon’s mystique was rent. A billion earthlings shook their heads in amazement as its skirt of pretense was lifted by the landing of Apollo 11. To certify that the event was not some cheap Hollywood back-lot trick, Astronauts Armstrong and Aldrin ambled across the stark Elysian landscape and forever demystified this alien asteroid.

No longer could this hunk of volcanic rock dissemble and conceal its true self. No, a size 9 ½ boot and an American flag drop-kicked the Man in the Moon fantasy and proved that no cow could jump over this floating space junk. Further, as if to hurl insult at injury, it was not a big cheese pizza pie Deano sang about. Italians have an exaggerated sense of romantic notions since Gina hit the screen.

In fact, to further debunk the myths associated with the moon, it is only a “very desolate place, plain boring,” said Aldrin. After all, in the big scope of things, it’s only a mote of dust suspended on a sunbeam in its recurring circuit, reflecting the light of something far greater than itself.

No good deed goes unpunished, and neither did this gigantic event. Small children cried when the fairy-tale book burnings occurred, small-town drive in theaters were shuttered and moonlit beach walks no longer had the same appeal. Science is good at throwing cold water on some things.

But not unlike the discovery of other enigmatic phenomena, the excitement comes from the imagination, not the scientific actualities of the aura. We can simply know too much. And since we now know the moon is nothing but a pile of space dust, what’s left for the imagination?

Twelve brave men have now walked on that ethereal object at a cost of some $150 billion. Twelve, mind you. Where’s the economy of scale in that? Consider “moonshine,” if you will. Believe me, when you’ve sucked down a healthy slug of that elixir, you don’t care what happened to the man in the moon…no, sir, you’re the one walking on it! Millions still do, and it’s a cheap stroll with incredible results.

Like humans, the moon has a dark side, too. Nobody we know has yet been there, except the fellow who dreamed up the Moon Pie. I had some pals once who would have volunteered for that exploration. They had perfected the art of “mooning” from moving automobiles and were quite good at it. This ilk explores fire and chemicals in labs out of an exaggerated curiosity to see what happens. They’re all physicists and scientists now, except for one who is still in prison. He mooned the wrong car.

My one mooning experience ended with disastrous results. I lived in a very small town and failed to take into consideration that everybody knew me. The preacher’s wife didn’t take kindly to the exposure, and my parents avoided church for months. It was a very black mark on my family’s standing in the town. My crowd thought it was funny, which goes to show you that boys without underwear are not to be trusted in cars!

Some economic things did come from this space exploration. The Treasury’s coffers were partially replenished when Michael Jackson perfected the “moon walk” and mined about $150 billion from TV. And he never left the earth. Some might challenge that statement, seeing what an alien he became. He has now returned to Pluto, avoiding Elvis and waiting for Amy Winehouse!

I ask you, “What was wrong with the moon just as it was, before July 20, 1969?” Why would we want to destroy all illusion and imagination and mock poets, writers, song composers, artists, vampires and most small children? Besides, it now takes the fun out of living on farms, driving green Ford 150 pickups and working nightly on mysteries without any clues. And where would Paris be if not for the moonlit waters of the Seine? I rest my case.

But some good has come from space exploration. Science has discovered a nudist colony of men living on Mars, and a commune of women trying to migrate from Venus. Maybe there’s hope yet for the perpetuation of the race, although there’s still a communication barrier to overcome. Science is working on that problem now.

Sometimes I think things might have been better just to have left space excursions alone and explored how to get along with whom (and what) we share a common destiny on this planet. And as for me, my illusion and imagination are restored…no matter how you cut it, the moon is still made for lovers, mystics and for fairytales. Vive claire de lune!!

And as for mystics among you, since God supposedly created this firmament, perhaps He enjoys being seen at a distance, and marveled at…maybe!


Bud Hearn
July 23, 2009