Digressions of a Dilettante

Digressions of a Dilettante
Vignettes of Inanity by Bud Hearn

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dodging the Bullet

Charles is a childhood friend. He called recently, lamenting the drought. Said Spring Creek was almost bone dry. Said he was ‘dunked’ in it for baptism. I asked if it took. He said, “Yes…so far.” Strange comment for a pecan farmer.

I have another friend. His name is Charlie. He’s a lawyer. We call him ‘The Master of Equivocation.’ Perfectly normal for a lawyer. He should meet the pecan farmer. They’re artful dodgers of total commitment.

They’re both adept in the art of using ‘language qualifiers’, verbal escape hatches, to evade detection or avoid absolute commitments. They answer every, “How are you?” with the stock reply, “Well, so far, so good.” Can’t pin ‘em down.

Don’t laugh. We all do it. Take a simple “I love you.” Pretty straight-forward statement of commitment. Add a qualifier, “I love you (3 second pause) …today.” A slick side-step with the inclusion of one word. The door remains open to reverse direction tomorrow.

We use ‘qualifiers’ regularly. The Big Bubba of ‘em all is ‘But.’ Suppose someone asks you “How about a movie?” Say you really don’t want to go. How do you respond with decorum? “Great (pause)…but not tonight.” How simple…hedge your bets while at the same time remain agreeable. There’re others.

Following in the shadow of ‘But’ is ‘If.’ O, you know how that one works. It’s a cheap trick. Easy to master. ‘Only’ is its companion. Suppose a spouse asks, “Can we take a vacation?” An ambivalent escape could be, “Sure, if only….” Door wide open, anything could get in the way.

I had a friend once who had perfected only one equivocation, “Yeah, but….” It was his mantra for life. He responded to everything with the caveat, “Yeah, but….” He lived in a dark hole of indecision.

After ‘If’ comes ‘Unless.’ Maybe the question is, “How about we go out for dinner?” A getaway could be as simple as, “Well, maybe, unless…” Is it No, is it Yes? Who knows? Leaves opportunity for a multitude of excuses, real or manufactured.

I have some personal favorites. Silence is one. For example, suppose my wife asks the universal question, “What do you want for dinner?” Silence. More silence. She says, “Well?” Silence. Then I say, “I’m thinking.” It gives time to turn things around, “What do you want?” Zing, back into her court. I leave the room before things get violent!

Smiles are another favorite, especially when used with Silence. Smiles give the impression of agreement, but not the reality of it. You can add to that a head fake…cocking it to one side or another, kinda like a dog does when you talk to it. Or a shoulder shrug. Perhaps a palms-up expression. These indicate you’re earnestly considering matters. When used collectively, they constitute the ultimate in avoidance.

Why do we equivocate? Because we hate absolutes. Basically, we’re cowards. I always hated tests in school. Especially the Yes or No questions. Too black and white, no wiggle room. There’s safety in ambivalence!

Cowards avoid capture by dodging absolute assertions. Hem-hawing is their way of life. They live lives of ‘Maybe,’ not the dangerous lives of absolutes. Marriage vows come to mind. Did you have any idea of the consequences of having asserted, “Yes, I do?” What if the vow had been “Maybe, I do?” Equivocation rules!

The list of escape-hatch words is long…Perhaps, nevertheless, soon, yet, in a minute, and well, to name a few. You have your own list of preferences. But there’s one qualifier that reaches the summit of beating around the bush… ‘The Laugh.’

After we drop a qualifying-bomb, ‘The Laugh’ softens the blow. It leaves them hanging, wondering…is he joking, is she serious, is it yes, is it no? It’s the master-stroke of vacillation.

I’ve about had enough of writing this. I would like to further educate you on the arrogance of evasion, ‘but’…….

Bud Hearn
July 7, 2011

No comments: