Bit by Bit

This morning I’m in the kitchen and remember to get something from the bedroom. It takes maybe 10 seconds to get there. Then, I find myself turning in circles, trying to remember why I’m there.

Frustrated, I retreat to the kitchen, trying to get a thought re-run. Nothing. I retrace my steps, the book I’m reading, the cell phone, eggs I’m cooking. Yes, the same eggs which now are…never mind. You know what burned eggs look and smell like. I flip through the pages, scroll through the caller ID. The thought, irretrievable, gone forever.

Today I wake up thinking of a friend who says he looks like Sylvester Stallone. He’s deluded. He looks like Richard Kiel, Jaws in a James Bond movie. Anyway, I can’t remember Stallone’s given name. Tony? Anthony? Rocky? Not that I dream about movie stars. At least not the male ones. I draw a total blank. The name, that is…I remember most female actresses. Aren’t all females actresses? Skip that.

Do you do this? Listen, the mind’s not a solid cortex. It’s a sieve. Lately its highest and best use is filtering out the small details of life. Like, I open the refrig, stand with a blank stare into its cluttered space and wonder: What am I looking for? This is how I find the eggs that I forget were cooking. Bit by bit the brain loses its grip. Please tell me I’m not alone!

Listen, this affliction affects not only the aged. Everyone’s vulnerable. The mind needs discipline, but how’s it possible to discipline a sieve? Soak it in a bucket of Clorox? For example, I forgot Tuesday was St. Valentine’s Day. It’s not a good thing to forget some dates, especially if one wants to remain happily married. I shove the date, February 14th, into my sieve with superglue.

Maybe it’s better to eliminate life’s minutiae and stay out of confusion. Better to concentrate on the monumental issues that matter, like are my pants zipped, or are my socks the same color or keeping track of my keys. This is the real stuff of life. The clutter of detail derails cognitive regimen.

I’m not always this way. If you are, then just keep your dilemmas to yourself. We don’t want to know. We have enough of our own to worry about. Strange things, for example, like today. I leave home wearing my loafers. I get into the car. What’s in my other hand? Why, a pair of running shoes with a banana hanging out. Go figure.

That’s not quite as bad as walking out of the house, eating an apple and talking on the cell. Somehow, in a switcheroo, I find the apple is stuck to my ear and I’m biting into the cell. Beware of getting older, or simultaneously eating apples and talking on the cell. You may be on Somebody’s You-tube video and later have to explain things.

Today I have lunch with bankers. They invited me. Imagine…and in these times. Something’s up. I’m CIA, know how to avoid subpoenas. I make a hasty toilet retreat as the check approaches. If you’re shocked at the skill of dodging a bill, you’re a hypocrite!

Think how it would appear being photographed pulling out cash to pay the bill? Bankers are paranoid now. They wear costumes, wigs, wired with bugs, hidden cameras. They employ slick lawyers. They wear thick sunglasses with red blinking frontal lobes. They lament about loss of market share. They lure me into their lurid dens, bit by bit, enticing me with more loans.

An anonymous poet once wrote: “We leave in pieces.” Interesting. It reminds me what a friend at the nursing home said. “You know how we decide if patients need to be here?” I shrug. He says, “We fill a bathtub, give them a spoon, a coffee cup, a bucket and tell them to empty the tub the fastest way. If they pull the plug, they pass the test, and we send ‘em home.” He tells me to invest in nursing homes…a sure bet.

Nature is a relentless pursuer. Did the extra 20 pounds jump on you, or creep up overnight? Forget wasting money on rapid remedies. Like most things, it leaves as it comes…bit by bit.

Enjoy your sieve and beware of filled bathtubs. Remember: We’re not confused…our actions simply transcend human understanding.

Bud Hearn
February 16, 2012