Body Language…a Cloak of Many Colors

Women talk. Men don’t listen. Or won’t. Or can’t. There’s a gender disconnect. Why? Because men can’t read between the lines and are unschooled in discerning the subtlety of a message.

I’m sitting in the cardiologist’s waiting room, pondering this disconnect. It’s a somber place. It’s like a cemetery, the kind of place that puts reality into perspective. I don’t have to read between the lines to get the message. Like someone once said, “You won’t have to ask the hangman why he’s there.”

A TV brutalizes us by blasting out senseless blather. The anxious chatter from nervous patients reminds me of a symphony of cellos…a low roar beneath high-pitched violins and blaring horns. Such banal babbling. Everybody’s talking everywhere. Who’s listening?

Today my heart’s ok. On the way out I stop by the nurse’s station to have a chat with Helen. It pays to be nice to the staff, all women. They run the show. She’s hunkered down over a computer, typing away. She’s oblivious to the noise.

“G’ morning, Helen,” my cheery voice says. “You’re looking especially sharp today. New haircut?” She looks up. A slight sneer slides across her lower lip. Her eyes narrow into slits. She says nothing. Her arms cross on her chest. I hear the silent words she’s thinking…”Whatever!” or “Buzz off, creep.” The message sinks in and I slink off.

Why such a dismissive demeanor? Ingratitude for the haircut comment, or disdain for my intrusion into her concentration? Motives are difficult to interpret. In a few seconds Helen has perfected a virtuoso performance in the subtle use of body language…an inaudible message.

Subtlety. Ah, yes. It’s a stealthy tramp dressed in a cloak of many colors. A chameleon. It changes with the situation. It’s a covert language where gestures replace words. It’s a didactic Esperanto, incomprehensible to the uninitiated. Instinctive in women. Hopelessly lost on men.

Subtlety speaks without sound. The eyes and hands never lie. The old ‘cross your arms’ construct erects an impenetrable fortress. Only fools attempt to assault that compound. Same with the ‘hands on the hips’ posture. Men are less afraid of rattlesnakes than this gesture.

Men, imagine you’re having an amorous evening in a dark bistro with a beautiful woman. Your wife, perhaps. You feel romantic. You’re quoting Keats, or something out of The Rubaiyat, strange words, meanings beyond your comprehension. Across the table she’s fixating on her red nail polish. You don’t get it. You’re confused. But, like the buffoon you are, the drivel continues to drip profusely from your lips. She swallows a Zantac and asks for the check. The message? Do you really have to ask?

Research hints that men’s auditory nerve may not actually be connected to the ear. It’s coupled elsewhere and responds to other stimuli, things like the mention of food, or sports, or other more primordial urges. Women are forced to resort to more dramatic means of communication.

Men tend to rant on their exploits and ego. Women have perfected the ‘zip-of-the-lip’ response. The meaning? Shut up! Or leave. Or die.

Oh, the ‘look-away’ eyes. You know, those eyes that constantly glance at something or someone beyond you. They search in the distance for relief. Or a mirror. The message? She wishes to be elsewhere, anywhere, except with you.

The ‘doodling-with-the-pen’ sends a less-than-subtle dismissal. The obsessive clicking of the ballpoint is a dead giveaway. Same is true with the constant glance at her watch. She’s totally written you off, buddy. Meeting over.

Men, now pay attention. Observe closely when she begins to compare the fate lines in her palms. She’s wondering what garbage scow you showed up on. Leave quickly before becoming the twerp she thinks you are. She smiles, envisioning a future without you.

Then there’s the ‘sideways hug.’ It says, “Beat it, buster.” If you’re getting this, please preserve the last scintilla of your shattered pride and slip out the nearest exit. She’s moved on…without you. And O, the ‘silent treatment.’ It reduces one to a giant shrinking slug, sliding through the cracks in the floor.

Alas, a man’s worst nightmare might be the message sent by the ‘wedding ring removal.’ You won’t have to read between the lines on this one!

I ask my wife’s opinion on this article. Instantly she becomes a deaf mute, consumed with the crossword puzzle. Could this also be a message?

It’s all too much for me to comprehend. Good luck on your interpretation.

Bud Hearn
April 26, 2013