Dear Barry:

Brilliant! Airport scans…YES! At last, the era of full disclosure and revelation.

Finally, no more of those smelly, crotch-sniffing dogs or the noisy TSA goons hanging around the men’s room inspecting people with suspicious bulges in underwear. And this idea of personal “vigilance?” Well, frankly, Barry, that got to be little too much to ask us to do. Isn’t that Homeland’s job?

Only The Cool One could have conceived a plan so universal as to unveil the façade of conceit and pretense. As quick as a shutter lens, scans will reveal full transparency and lay bare all false imagination. You’re The Man! After all, in America, all we have to fear is what we can’t see. Man, you’ve laid this fear to rest. Unbelievable.

Those 450 new full-body scans will unclothe strutting dissemblers who wear the thin veneer of pretense. I can see it now—TSA voyeurs flashing 1-10 cards as we pass through. You stripped us, dude. Slick! Congratulations. Pure genius. It’ll expose those scoffers who say you don’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, and the Copenhagen fiasco will fade into oblivion. Virtuoso!

There are more benefits to these full-body scans. Foremost, overly-modest terrorists will think twice before risking exposure on future internet porn sites. Oh, I know what the ACLU is saying…harping on civil liberties and all that crap. We know you’ve created this ruse to confuse the public and provide cover. Terrific.

You’ve been accused of being partisan and lacking transparency. Ok, Ok, so you’ve had to take a bullet on that for Nan and that weasel Harry. Understandable. Just imagine a scan of those two…gives au natural a very ugly undressing. But these scans will silence critics of your total commitment to the end of the American masquerade. May I suggest a new mantra? “Transparent to the Core.” Catchy, huh?

Barry, we do have a big problem…unemployment. The Blue party will be stripped bare of its piety come election day and risk exposure. Start with promoting R & D on disposal lingerie…or perhaps auction rights to the marketing of used scanned images. Americans spend wildly on all things sexy. Also, more jobs for TSA. Hire Muslims, get ‘em off the streets. They vote, too. Nobody can accuse them of racial profiling. Dazzling!

Some will ask how you intend to fund this. No problem. Tax and Sell. Sell franchise of video rights for the most ghastly or exceptional scans to Hollywood…reality shows pay big money for smut, and there’ll be a lot of that being scanned. Besides, who doesn’t want their own 15 minutes? You’ll show ‘em there’s more to you than meets the eye!

Some say Janet orchestrated the Christmas Bomber to deflect the disrobing and criticism of Cap and Trade, Health Care and bank bonuses. We don’t buy that, Barry, since the Open Records Act is translucent. Eric at Justice has it covered, right?

There will be detractors. The Union of Concerned Scientists claims that these scanners cause cancer. But since you’ve crammed down universal health care, what are a few more cancers among so many? More jobs, fewer people. A bonus. The Mortician’s Union will be the last to let you down. Keep your union base or your own hypocrisy will be laid bare. Simply launder more Stimulus II funds. Concoct your own scientific study. No two scientists can agree on anything. Besides, lies cannot be scanned.

Barry, there is one serious negative to these scan machines…the exploitation of small children under the pretense of national security. This is a thin veil. You can’t possibly hire more Homeland Security degenerates and perverts to operate the screening cameras. You know where I’m heading, don’t you, Barry? Better get back to the think tank on this one, pronto.

Your plan is going to be “historic.” Your favorite word, Barry…it’s self-fulfilling. The truth about history is that you get the credit for the achievement now, which, politically-speaking, is everything. History will later obfuscate it, dressing it up with silly nuance. Even you won’t be able to recognize it.

Satis verborum…enough words. Barry, a great legacy lies open to you. Forget the penny-ante revelations of yourself with that stupid bow in China, or handshake with that Venezuelan buffoon Chavez. Public nudity will be your historic legacy.

Down here in Georgia we have billboards along I-75 (kinda like the one in Times Square of you on the Great Wall, remember?). Truckstops advertise, “We Bare All.” Get rid of that “change we can believe in” nonsense. End the charade…go for billboards, flash a shiny moon and grin, “Barry Bares All.” Imagine the possibilities.

Tell Rahmbo to give me a shout…I got the real estate covered.

Spuriously insincere, I remain,

Bud Hearn
January 14, 2010