Digressions of a Dilettante

Digressions of a Dilettante
Vignettes of Inanity by Bud Hearn

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Once and For All

Some believe in the fairy tale of ‘once and for all?’ Do you? If so, check your birth certificate to see if it lists State of Delusion as your residence. Who but an utter fool or lunatic would believe such utopian nonsense! I’ll prove it.

We came home last night from dinner. The foyer was dark. We always leave our shoes at the back door and go barefoot inside. Our daughter, the poster child of a cleanliness addict, convinced us it’d keep the floors germ-free once and for all. We weren’t aware we lived in a germ-infested house. Whether the floors are any cleaner for the inconvenience, I can’t say…with two dogs, what’s ever clean, once and for all?

Where’re the dogs?” my wife said, adding, “Hmmm. No dogs? Not a good sign.” She took one step on the cold stone floor and shrieked, “Oh, no, #@*#, not again! I’m gonna kill ‘em!” Accidents happen, but fortunately tonight only a wet one, if that’s fortunate. She hopped to the laundry room and washed her foot. “OK, who did this? Where are you?” She shouted. Silence answered her. They remained invisible somewhere in the darkness.

She flicked on the lights and rolled up a newspaper. The criminals were found, crouching in a dark corner. They trembled. “I’m gonna put an end to this, once and for all,” she announced, waving her cellulose weapon. Realizing they’d reaped the whirlwind, they melted into the floor. But not before giving her their classic hang-dog look, “Who, us?” Fearing the wrath to come, I stood in the shadows and prayed for their souls. Nobody moved. Time stopped.

In that brief interval before the action began, I wondered if the once-and-for-all concept had legs. Take religion. It aims for a ‘once and for all’ conclusion. Some try daily doses of wine and confessions inside a tiny box. Others believe in casting bread upon water. Illogical. It returns soggy. Others think foot washing, meditation, chanting or eradication of infidels gets special recognition in the hereafter. No ‘once and for all’ there. Some bet on the Wesley brothers’ message of South Georgia salvation as a ‘once and for all.’ But some are still unconvinced.

In Boston they thought the scarlet letter “A”, tattooed upon one’s forehead, could abolish once and for all the contagion of “the oldest profession.” Haha. So much for that. It no longer smolders, it’s a raging fire!

The Brits decided to root out poverty once and for all by emptying the debtor’s prisons and shipping ‘em to America. A dumb idea. Instead, the debtors formed the Wall Street Gang and emptied the English treasury numerous times. Debtors are creative!

Take politics. It’s dangerous to extrapolate the what-ifs of political be-all, end-alls. Dynasties are hazardous. Imagine being saddled forever with the likes of the Bushites, the Clintonites, the Obamaworlds and the Pelosismileyfaces if they were once and for all. Frightening!

Do you have any aches and pains? I do. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a ‘once and for all’ cure? There is, of course, it’s just not good to dwell on such finality. So we do the next best thing…short-term relief with pills and substitute body parts.

Maybe you’re one of those who think enough money will solve all your problems once and for all. Dream on. Some think with enough money the IRS can be eliminated once and for all. Silly thought. It’s a stalking menace, and the once-and-for-all concept is not in their policy manual.

But my swoon ended as suddenly as it began. There my wife stood, towering over the tiny transgressors, poised to send dog fur flying. But she just couldn’t do it. Instead, she handed out a severe hands-on-the-hips tongue lashing. After all, who with any sensitivity can beat small creatures (roaches excluded!) with a newspaper? A woman’s tongue is a mighty weapon indeed!

We need no further evidence to realize there’s no such thing as ‘once and for all.’ Still we hope, day after day, hung-up in a fool’s paradise. Only it’s not quite a paradise. There’s no more a ‘once-and-for-all’ beginning than there is a ‘happily-ever-after’ ending.

Nevertheless, something useful can be gleaned from this rubbish---it’s dangerous to enter a dark house barefoot if you have dogs!

Bud Hearn
September 9, 2010

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