Digressions of a Dilettante

Digressions of a Dilettante
Vignettes of Inanity by Bud Hearn

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Waiting for Comcast

It’s early morning. I boot up the computer, click on Internet. Nothing.
A blank screen appears. What’s this? I ask my dog. He snores.
Then words appear, “This Page Cannot Be Displayed.”
The screen mocks me. I curse it, call Comcast.

A mechanical voice answers, “Listen up, moron, our options have changed.”
I select 1 for English, queue in a cyber-line. I listen. I wait. Hours pass.
Canned Comcast music keeps me company. Is Guy Lombardo resurrected?
I opt for option 89, ‘Tech Support.’ Silence ensues. Lombardo is re-tombed.

A new voice. I’m encouraged. It says wait, helping other customers. I do.
Waiting makes me hungry. I pocket the phone, cook breakfast.
The music plays on. I read three newspapers. Waiting for Comcast.
The day drones. Time for lunch. Still the music, incessant. Waiting.

I get bored. Sit by pool. Take a nap. Read a book. Wait some more.
The sun sets. Cocktail time. I imbibe, big stiff ones. More. Wait longer.
I have dinner, phone in lap. A click. Something. I become alert, hoping.
Patience pays dividends. A voice asks, “How can I help you?” It’s now 11 PM.

O, joy, a human voice. But wait…the accent. Strange English. A Robot?
I don’t care. I vent. Demand help. I vilify the Robot and his mother.
By 2 AM. I’m calm. I listen to repair instructions. Understand nothing.
Router? What’s that? I unplug wires. Computer crashes. Screen goes dark.

The Robot is calm. I’m manic. The Modem, you say? Black box? Where?
I find several.Green LED’s wink.What? Unplug all? I do. The house goes dark.
Alarms sound. I panic. Break time, the robot says. I slump in the chair.
The Robot returns. Says to call back, request a technician. It’s 4 AM.

At 6 AM. I call Comcast again, punch 0, listen to the litany. I wait in line.
By lunch a voice answers. New Jersey English. Calls me honey.
I’m cordial, repeat my problem, ask for a technician. She schedules one.
When? I ask. Sometime this month, she says. What time? Guess, she says.

I wait. Weeks pass. Nobody shows up. Internet DT’s set in. I need a fix.
I call Pierre. He knows computers, things with wires. He comes.
Sees the dilemma. I unload frustrations. He listens, checks my pulse.
He disassembles things. Wires, black boxes, hard drives. Nothing works.

My wife shows up, bereft of shopping, fit to be tied, demands connection.
She interrogates us. I feign ignorance. Pierre mumbles mumbo jumbo.
She’s off the grid. Neiman’s is worried. Saks is concerned. Am Ex anxious.
Commerce suffers. Factories close in China. Unions strike. She’s depressed.

Pierre vanishes. I’m alone, waiting for Comcast. No word. Life’s insufferable.
June comes. A white truck arrives. A Neanderthal shambles out. It’s Comcast.
I hug him, offer champagne. He obliges. A big man. Has a toothpick.
He’s hungry. We feed him. T-bones. Two. Demands wine. French Burgundy.

He swaggers, confident, surveying the destruction, the wires, black boxes.
Shakes his head, leaves. Be back, he says. He listens to the cable. Concerned.
Says he hears voices. I ask who? Government maybe, he says. I tremble.
He works. Connects wires. Replaces black boxes. Computer starts. He grins.

Internet pops up. News. Emails. Life returns. I ask how. Secret, he says.
I plead. He relents. Shows me. Loose cables, work of Comcast idiots, he says.
I tip him. He writes the bill. I pay it, call the bank, mortgage the house.
He packs up. Needs a vacation, he says. Overworked. Says he’s union. Leaves.

We fight for Internet. Form a queue. On-line shopping resumes.
Cash registers ring. Cha’ching. Unemployment drops. Credit cards max.
Factories reopen. UPS delivers. Air freight arrives. Boxes pile up.
Happy customers. Comcast smiles. Animosities forgotten.

But I worry, become uneasy. ‘What if’s’ invade. Comcast déjà vu nags.
Monopoly, unions, bargaining rights...we’re screwed, I conclude.
I think of God. Would He approve? He has the monopoly. Hates usurpers.
What if He calls? “Hold on,” I say. “On the line.” Would He understand?

I’m waiting on Comcast………..

Bud Hearn
June 23, 2011

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