Black Holes and Other Euphemistic Sidesteps

Definition of Euphemism: A figure of speech in which the severe asperity of truth is mitigated by the use of a softer expression than the facts would warrant…a verbal evasion. The Devil’s Dictionary

The Associated Press article read: “Scientists find monster black holes, biggest yet.” Each is 10 billion times the size of our sun. Black holes are so dense that nothing, not even light, can escape being drawn into the black abyss of their vortex. They continue to grow considerably since their formation.

We know about black holes. Some people are human vortexes of negative energy, dense, drawing the life out of everything and everybody in their orbit. But more about black holes later.

I have a friend. He’s a black hole. Still a friend. I tend to shy away from him (avoid at all costs). He’s a little over the edge (totally degenerate), but he’s rich compost (good material) for a story.

It happened just this way. The phone rings, the caller ID flashes his name. I know better, but answer anyway. Mistake.

He shouts, “Hey, you got any loose change (available cash)?” I answer, “Maybe, why?”

He says, “I’m tight for cash (he’s broke), and today she hit me up for a ton (blackmail).” I ask, “Which ‘she’ is it this time? You been slippin’ around again (committing adultery)?”

“It isn’t like that. I only wanted to help her. She’s a very sweet girl (a 1 on a 10 scale) and down on her luck (fired from Waffle House). Besides, it was in a weak moment (I was drunk). I think I stole more chain than I can swim with (she’s young). Sometimes my tongue overrides my good judgment” (a Shakespearean aphorism seems appropriate: “When the blood burns how prodigal the soul lends the tongue vows.”). My laugh is audible.

“Have you ‘fessed up (begged, groveled) for forgiveness from your wife?” I ask. “Are you nuts (insane)? I’ve already told her I quit foolin’ around (chasing skirts).”

I reply, “OK” (a catch-all acronym, meaning everything, and nothing). “What happened to all that money you squirreled away (invested). Tap into that (cash in). After all, it was a huge stash (big inheritance).”

“Long Story. A wealth manager (parasite) from GF Global hounded me. A real nice guy (a verbal flimflammer) over the phone. He had a hot tip (a scam) on gold futures. So, I leveraged the money. There was an equity retreat (a run on the bank) and he blamed the Euro for the problem (a margin call). It’s not my fault. They cooked the books on me (stole the money).”

“Well, how about all your real estate?” I ask.

“Bad news there. We’re in a period of deleveraging (a depression) and the market is just correcting itself (being sucked into the black hole). I had to monetize my assets (borrow heavily) and now the bank’s no longer inviting me to lunch (the loans have come due).” I heave a heavy sigh in sympathy.

I change the subject to health (artful dodge). I tell him I was recently diagnosed by five physicians and one voodoo doctor. They all agreed I suffer from supratentorial almondcashopathy (almonds and cashews). In other words, I’m a ‘nut case.’ He utters an obligatory grunt.

“How’s your mama these days,” I ask. “One foot in (comatose),” he says. “I’m afraid soon she’ll be pushing up daisies” (die, but the French apercu fits the best: manger les pissenlitspar la racin, literally translated, “eating dandelions by the root”).”

“Sorry to hear that (empty sympathy),” I say. “And the kids?”

“Well, except for school. They stay in hot water (failing grades), but it’ll all work out (state of denial). Forget them (it’s all about me). What about my money problem (shakedown)?”

“How much do you need to get out of hot water (bail you out)?” I ask.

“I’m really under budget constraints (tapped out). Can you spare $50 G’s (a New Jersey Mafia term)?” For that kind of money, I’m thinking she must have been a real sweet girl.

I can see this call is circling his black hole, so I tell him another call’s coming in (a lie). “I’ll have to get back to you (a coward’s escape).” I hang up. I never worry, he’ll call back.

Now about those black holes the scientists have discovered. Oh, did I forget to say where their telescopes were aimed? Why, at the black-hole galaxy named Congress.

Bud Hearn
December 8, 2011