“…far off in the pine woods, night was deep in silence. The owl and rabbit were wondering, along with the trees, if the air would soon fill with snowflakes, but the Power that moves through the world and makes our hair stand on end was keeping the answer to Itself.” The poet, Tom Hennen, wrote these words. He had obviously confronted the curse.
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It’s a new year. Fresh. Full of possibilities. Things are new, but not all things. Conundrums abound. Many remain unsolved, riddles without answers, enigmas of confusion.
‘Conundrum’ is a word coined by Thomas Nast, the cartoonist. Among other inventions, he created the symbols for three notable conundrums: an elephant representing the Republican Party, a donkey depicting the Democrats and a fat man with a white beard in a red suit, Santa Claus. Imagine such labyrinths of illusion.
Who will crack the Gordian Knot of cogito ergo sum, that great equalizer of man’s puny significance? (Probably a woman!). “I think, therefore I am,” the Eternal Mystery. It stalks us relentlessly.
Rene Descartes did his best to solve life’s mysteries in 1641 while enjoying a plat du jour on a bench near the Sorbonne, watching young French women stroll by. Some say it was the combination of a double cognac and the prospect of romance that aroused the epiphany. Anything can happen in Paris.
Sooner or later you will meet a conundrum. You’ll be forced to take a stand, to decide once and for all that you actually believe something.
Forget about religion. It’s too esoteric. Or government. It’s too big. Besides, sooner or later you’ll elect a clown who’ll explode your thesis of political theory. Huey P. Long will appear to have been a rational, though a raving, lunatic. Religion and politics are related.
It’s best to believe simple things. Like rain is wet, cold is cold, hot is hot, because sooner or later you will experience this. Sooner or later you will discover that the IRS is a horde of thugs, not a nice bunch of choir boys, even though they refer to you now as a ‘customer.’ This conundrum is a spider’s web of horror.
Dogs are predictable conundrums. It’s a good thing to believe that the primordial urges of dogs are best experienced outside of the house. Because if not, well, sooner or later an epiphany will appear on your white rug. You’ll scream over and over, “Oh, ‘S…’”, the word of choice coined especially to give adequate voice to your true feelings.
While dogs are predictable, not so with women...they’re complex puzzles. Unless a man has mastered the miracle of walking on water, all attempts to clarify conundrums with respect to the gentler sex will simply open the gates of Hell.
Sooner or later your preacher will discuss his conundrums. Things like the black-hole church budget, your poor tithing history and the recent sightings of you with someone other than your spouse. Such things cast dispersion upon him and the church. Avoid contention. Sit on the back pew… last in, first out.
Sooner or later you will find the toothpaste tube squeezed from the top. You will blame your spouse. The indictment will be denied. The day will be a disaster. Toothpaste is a leading cause of divorce in this country. Same is true of a spouse’s bad-hair day. Pretend not to notice, much less discuss, unless you want to reap the whirlwind.
The thermos-jug riddle ranks high in cold-case conundrums. Three philosophers were overheard debating inexplicable phenomena. One said the miracle of birth was the most obscure, unresolved mystery. Another disagreed, saying that intergalactic space travel exceeded all boundaries of thought. The last man said the thermos jug was a marvel. The debate raged.
Finally, out of frustration, one man asked, “What’s so special about a thermos jug? It only keeps things hot or cold.” To which the erudite gentlemen replied, “How do it know which?”
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As for me, I’m hung up on the question of why all men think women find them attractive. Cogito ergo sum usually resolves this dilemma…until she speaks!
Bud Hearn
January 10, 2014
Illustration courtesy of Leslie Hearn
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