My Favorite Disease

We have many strange ways of looking at life. But viewing it through the lens of a Disease? C’mon, now, how weird is this? But why not? Broadens perspective.

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Nobody needs to tell us about Diseases. We know. There are at last count over 100,000 maladies that conspire to make us relatives of Job.

No Disease for the moment seems pleasant, but grievous. But after one has had its fun and exercised us to the breaking point, it produces the peaceful fruit of Patience. Temporarily, of course. The other 99,999 are waiting for a turn to escort us through the exit doors of life.

Something’s always out to get us. Diseases waft through the air, creep along the earth, fall from the sky. They colonize Bibles in cancer wards; ride the words we speak, dance on drills of dentists. Microbes copulate on door knobs, and scabies sleep on toilet seats. Safety is a joke.

Disease is a dark subject. Walker Percy, the existential novelist, once said: “Tuberculosis was the best disease I ever had. If I hadn’t had it, I might be a second-rate shrink practicing in Birmingham.” It caused me to pause and ask myself, “What benefit has a Disease been to me?”

A cursory review of the gruesome list produced over sixty ‘Diseases’ that had attempted, but so far had failed, to deep six me. The beginning of sorrows for me was Diaper Rash. This horrible ailment is the progenitor to jock itch, which mounted a vicious attack later in the football locker room.

Itching is a common autonomous ailment. Like breathing. It’s prevalent among baseball players. Lengthy studies now reveal that the proximate cause of such Itching is Bad Breath emanating from a gum-filled wad of snuff. A wonderful way to stand in a field doing little and earning much.

My brother extols the virtues of Athlete’s Foot, that itchy fungus between the toes of athletes. His excuse is weak, since athletics was a distant second to sailing. He derived constant joy by constantly rubbing a sock between his toes for hours. A smile never left his face.

High school brought for me a terminal case of Acne. Girls fled my presence in horror. At the 50th reunion, I discovered the merits of zits. In retrospect, they saved me from a matrimonial curse worse than death. Score a big one for Acne.

They kept coming. Post Nasal Drip led to Nail Biting, which opens the door to a multitude of demons. Imagine where the fingers of children have been. I credit this proclivity to Tooth Decay and possibly Warts. It’s a sure way to become a social pariah and stir up PTSD. They have no redeeming value.

Somehow ADHD found me. I rather enjoyed the experience. It afforded wonderful opportunities to focus on everything except the issue at hand. Which is a great way of dodging most household duties. “Honey, my ADHD is acting up today.”

As life moved on, Arthritis, Bursitis and Joint Pain moved in. These tenants don’t come bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Possibly cases of Advil. But these uninvited guests are unparalleled blessings to orthopedic surgeons. Look at it this way: like tithing, your money’s going for a good cause.

Hospitals are a danger to health. It’s where Shingles found me. Shingles made me smile, albeit more like a pit-bull grimace. But at least my teeth showed. It made Nail Biting want to return. The only remedial value of Shingles is that you have to walk around naked…a blessing to you, a curse to others.

It’d be instructive to delve into the details of the advantages of Intestinal Irregularities, Heart Conditions and Acid Reflux. Rosacea removal is child’s play in comparison. But one word is sufficient: ghastly! The reward for survival is bragging rights. Nothing more.

With the proliferation of Disease, taken collectively, it’s no small miracle that we prisoners of the earth live at all. Surely there’s redemptive value stored away in the infirmities. Unfortunately my lens only found one I could actually point to, outside of the moral value of being more sympathetic for humankind.

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My favorite Disease is still in incubator stage. But I’m nursing it with care, hoping soon for a perfectly developed and functional case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You’re probably doing the same.


Bud Hearn
June 20, 2014