The Y’all Discount

Things break. It’s life. Repairs cost money. Being human, we want the proverbial brother-in-law bargains. How? The Y’all Discount from Mr. Fix-it.

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Repairmen are indispensable. Nothing they can’t fix…from toilets to TVs, from cars to computers, from ranges to roofs, and everything else in between. But times are changing.

Cars have computers. Shade-tree mechanics have smart phone apps. Worse, they’ve taken accounting in night school. Now they’re proficient in decimating a retirement account. And, oh, they carry credit card machines. No more, “Send me the bill.” It’s C.O.D.

Identifying with these state-of-the-art bandits is helpful. But don’t follow the attempts of NBC’s Brian Williams, who fabricated some hokey story of taking helicopter flack. Or Bob McDonald, Secretary of Veterans Affairs, who fantasized about serving in the Special Forces. The Y’all Discount backfired on them.

What exactly is the Y’all Discount? It’s that special bargain-basement price given by repairmen who take a liking to you. Obtaining this unpublished rate is an art form, not a science. Few master the technique.

Take my friend, Albert Gooney. He had two strikes against him when he moved here. New Jersey transients don’t necessarily assimilate well in coastal Georgia. Plus, being named Gooney was in itself an albatross (a subtle pun for the cognoscenti). But ‘Gooney’ surpassed his given name, which did not include the suffix ‘ey.’

Albert was brighter than most snow birds. He knew the finer points of getting the Y’all Discount. He’d repaired many things, like re-building with his bare hands broken balance sheets of student loan lenders.

I meet Albert at the Huddle House. He’s effusive when describing his methodology for the Y’all Discount. I take note as he schmoozes with the waitresses, pleading for more freebies, and sugar-coating his petitions with “Honey” this, “Sweetie” that. His smile melts them.

“Albert, give me some tips on getting these sweetheart discounts,” I say.

“Son,” he replies, “Gucci loafers are a bad way to begin. Get some Caterpillar work boots, or Tony Lama lizard-skin boots on e-Bay. Boots make statements without words. Repairmen identify with manly wear.”

“You mean to qualify for discounts I need to connect with these repairmen?”

“Boy, where you been?” he asks. “You have to identify with these guys right off. You have to set a tone of familiarity and be like them. They can spot pretense quicker than they pop the top of a Blue Ribbon beer.”

“Ok, will my Chevy pickup help?”

“Now ya talking, brother.” He smiles. “Good start. Lean on the side, discuss guns and muzzle velocities. Put a gun rack in the cab. Hang a camo cap from the rear-view mirror, and stencil a picture of buck antlers on the window. You’ll be accepted for sure.”

“Will I need a leather Harley vest, a tattoo and a beard to boot?” I ask.

“It’ll help, but you’re too skinny and well-scrubbed to qualify for Harley. Just play loud country music on the radio, put a plastic bust of Jerry Clower on the dash or dirt under your nails. Look at your hands. No blisters. You have a long way to go to identify.” He shakes his head.

He continues. “Listen, you gotta connect with these boys. Quickest way I know is perfecting your lingo. You can get away with a lot if you drop a couple of ‘you uns’ or ‘you guys’ in the conversation. They’ll figure you might have been on a farm one time or another.”

“What’s your best opening line?” I ask.

He thinks. “Ok, my secret weapon? ‘Hey, Hoss, how’s ya mama and them doing?’”

“What? Albert, how can such an expression of vernacular insanity possibly ingratiate anyone to a repairman?” I ask.

He laughs. “You’ve got a lot to learn about Y’all Discounts, old boy. When you ask about ‘mama and them,’ you’re really asking about all his kin folks. At their family reunions, the whole town shows up. Everybody’s kin. You’ll then become part of their family. Get it?”

I thank Albert for the advice and try it out on my roofer a few days later.

“Hey Hoss, whatcha say? How’s ya mama and them doing?” Miraculously it works. I get the Y’all Discount along with the added privilege of babysitting his dog and five children while he finishes the job.

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Y’all Discounts notwithstanding, we usually get what we pay for. But somehow we always wind up paying the full price, one way or another.

Bud Hearn
February 27, 2015