The Cheater's List

Ashley Madison. Just like a woman, can’t keep her secrets to herself. Divorce courts are jammed. Lawyers are getting rich. Jerry Springer is making a comeback. All my friends are running for cover.

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You knew, right? Hackers exposed her ‘secure’ web site. Over 32 million ‘clients’ were disclosed in July. What were they doing there? Guess. Matchups for sex. Yes, these things still happen, grandma.

Hacking ‘secure’ data is commonplace. The IRS opened its doors to hell and data was extracted. Closer to home, former Governor Barnes and his cronies attacked Home Depot’s lapse with a class action lawsuit. Small potatoes, really. Who cares who bought some hoes or other gardening supplies?

But marriage these days? So many lonely, sordid souls seeking companionship and entertainment in someone else’s Garden of Eden.

Horrors, you say. This is the Bible Belt. We adhere to the 10 C’s, at least in public, even though the stone reminders no longer grace the court houses of the South. As you may remember, there were once 20 Commandments. Moses bargained God down to 10, but, alas, adultery is still in there.

Of course, preachers know this, which accounts for a large percentage of tithes, I’m told. The conscience is like the tell-tale heart…it needs to come clean early and often. Money is one means of absolution. Emasculation is another.

In the South we’re burdened by more than the weather. Licentiousness breeds like mosquitoes and fleas during Dog Days. Comfort is sought somewhere. South Georgians have always known that heavy breathing can be caused by more than humidity. And infidelity is just a wink and a nod away.

Like Home Depot, but in the common gutter vernacular, Ashley sells a lot of ‘hoes,’ so to speak. Which is why fear is gripping South Georgia. We’re a culture of gardeners, enjoying the cultivation of many and various varieties of cross-breeds. It’s a family tradition, as it were. Our gardens have been invaded.

Billboards are now springing up next to the dilapidated ones, ‘Who is John Galt.’ Ludowici, Georgia, was once the Georgia capital for nocturnal activities-for-fee business, better known as ‘The Best for Less.’ Former governor Maddox ended that. But now bill boards appear, ‘Honk if you know Ashley.’

Curiosity gets the better of us sometimes. I open the web site to see what the attraction is. Wow, what a menu it offers. I scroll down the offerings to get an overview of what millions found interesting.

The heading, ‘Spanking,’ intrigues me. What does it have to do with sexual exploits, I wonder? I remember being spanked as a child. I know how it felt. Believe me, erotica was not one of the by-products. I try to imagine just how something like this would work out in actual practice. I draw a blank.

Then there’s ‘Role Playing.’ Now, that’s a situation we all practice. But just how it adds to any erogenous playfulness escapes me. I picture myself wearing a Superman suit, cape and all, and bounding into some sleazy motel room. Hilarious laughter would be the consequence of that foreplay.

There’s the ‘Submissive Slave’ item to order. How would that work? Would chains be involved, whips, floggings? Who would find such carnal thrashing pleasant, much less amatory?

Then there’s the item on ‘Fetishes.’ Now I know all about fetishes. I have a manic obsession for them. For shirts, that is. I know the arousal one can get from buying a new Robert Graham, or a Bonobos. Nothing is steamier the first time they’re worn. Unfortunately, the lust soon fades into ho hum. Could this be what ‘Fetishes’ means?

I run on down the list: Sex Talk, Threesomes, Dominant Master, Bondage, Leather and others. Something for everybody. Clearly, there are sick minds out there in the internet world.

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Down here on the coast we don’t need Ashley’s sleazy internet seductions with a Cheater’s List. We have our own.

Honeysuckle, swamp flowers, magnolia and the mystery smell of the marshes is aphrodisiac enough, soft and violate at the same time. Heavy breathing is everywhere.

Bud Hearn
September 10, 2015