Bill's Rebuttal...The Root Cause

Last week’s post, “The Magic of Wisteria,” sought to infuse some romantic qualities into the pernicious vine. It did for some, failed for others. If you didn’t read it, today’s post might not make a lot of sense. And if you did, the same might be true.

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My friend, Bill, responded to the amorous epistle with emotional fervor, voicing his contrary opinion and vilifying this nefarious predator. His stark detail offers a shocking view of the underbelly of wisteria. I feel obliged to air his ghastly experiences with you.

So here, verbatim, are Bill’s lamentations on wisteria:

“Our experience with wisteria is diametrically opposed to yours.”

“Fear and revulsion? Yes, these are the emotions we experience when we hear the word ‘wisteria.’”

“You see, the wisteria we know is an invasion ‘kudzu’ type vine that noses its way into every nook and cranny on the NC mountain property, strangling the trees, mutilating the shrubs snarling the Mountain Laurel, strangling the Rhododendron, choking out the grass, pushing tendrils into the basement and walls, claiming all within its reach, and all without regret. While we were away, wisteria has decided it will be our manager, overseer, dominant caretaker and eventually take complete and undeniable control of all within reach which is everything.”

“When we arrived our mountain home in May, there is no sign of the ‘fragrant ‘dangling lavender’ vine of immense beauty and fragrance.’ What we see is the feared wisteria invader, the aggressive choking snarl that has taken over our place. All we can foresee is work, work, work to as we attempt to retake the territory claimed by wisteria while we were not looking.”

“We man the clippers and the ‘Crossbow,’ We must catch up, so we launch into a cut and poison frenzy, pulling the flood of new seed pods and burning them, poisoning as much as we can reach until exhaustion claims us. Even then, the enemy is still at large waiting to take over before we rest. We scrape aside a little dirt to plant a spring flower, and behold just below the surface we discover a woven mat network of wisteria vines reaching in every direction, standing by to take over as quickly as we turn our backs.”

“Oh, if we could just find a real eradicator of wisteria. I don’t think such a defense mechanism has yet been formulated or invented. However, this is what has occurred while we slept. Wisteria, the aggressive, despised enemy of our beautiful garden has again staked its claim on the grounds. The war begins again.”

Signed, Bill.

Here you have it, the naked and exposed hypocrisy of wisteria in Bill’s own words. It’s benign and beastly, beautiful and abominable. Love and hate wrapped in one package, both springing from the same genetic root. Fruit never falls far from its tree.

A proper perspective requires unbiased clarity and common sense. It’s the nature of vines to climb: higher, higher, higher. Entropy occurs at its zenith. Chaos ensues. The vine, being burdened by its own weight and lack of nutriment, finally runs its course. It reverts to the root and begins again its insidious cycle of ascent.

Looking closely, it might even be said that wisteria is greedy, a vine with avarice flowing through its veins. If so, it’s a helpless addict. Greed, like hubristic pride, is one of the seven deadly sins. It’s said to be the root cause of most misery.

With wisteria, there’s no ‘end-point’ to its quest. It’s addicted to ‘not enough.’ It seeks ever higher ‘highs,’ and attempts to consume everything in its path to achieve them. With any addiction, pursuit of the ‘means’ is in itself the ‘end.’

Bill seems bewildered as to how to eradicate the menace from his garden. Unfortunately, the vine’s gene was born in a garden and, as a consequence, is part and parcel of the primordial curse. Vines cannot be eradicated, just managed.

How? Deflection is a good start. While it’s not advisable to redirect this creeping scourge towards one’s neighbor’s home, even though it is bigger than yours, it is a thought.

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Wisteria…we loathe it or love it, revile it or revere it. Good and evil, love and hate. Sounds a lot like human nature, doesn’t it? The fruit doesn’t fall far from that tree, either.

Hang in there, Bill. Remember the price of liberty is eternal vigilance.


Bud Hearn
April 8, 2016