Batteries

What’s in a man’s pocket? Does anybody really want to know?

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Men walk around with their hands shoved in their front pockets all the time like they’re trying to hide something. Or maybe they just simply don’t know what to do with their hands. Pockets are as good a place as any to stash them for the time being.

Hands can sometimes be a problem. It’s dangerous to have loose hands. Not only are they prone to mischief, but they can pick up germs by the millions by fiddling with magazines with swimsuit photographs or opening doors. Wisdom is to always open public doors with an elbow or just simply lean against it. Sometimes I back into a door to open it. If you back in, it looks like you are walking out. Idiosyncrasies abound.

Have you ever wondered what treasures these pockets might be hiding? Large rolls of cash, protective talismans, knives, guns or other unmentionables? Maybe you have never thought about it, or care. Not your business what’s in another man’s pockets, you say. But you lie. You really want to know.

This morning I shoved my hand into yesterday’s jeans to empty the pockets. Like a blind man groping a familiar wall for direction, I find the usual suspects occupying their assigned space: a pen with the bank logo (they’re free) and a small bottle of eyewash. But then, something else: two small batteries, both dead as a doornail.

You might find it strange for someone to be walking around with two dead batteries in their pocket, like by some strange alchemy they will miraculously come to life. Let me help you understand…they’re there to remind me to get new ones. They’ve passed from life unto death. And nothing’s more worthless than a dead battery in a flashlight.

Remembering things is not as easy at this age. I used to keep a legal pad handy, filled with my list of things to do. I later found out that the bigger the pad, the longer the list, the less that got done. So, I converted to the smaller post-its stuffed into my shirt pocket. Hence the cliché, less is best.

We have our own peculiarities when it comes to remembering things. Forget the string-tied-to-the-finger routine. There are more creative ways, like Siri, Alexi, iPhone dings, and throwing notes on the floor at the door of your office.

My daddy always had at least two things in his pocket: a sharp pocketknife and loose change. His change was always sufficient to buy a coke from the cooler, but he threatened bodily harm if I touched his knife. Real men in that era all carried knives. It was the true sign of manhood, or so it seemed.

Now I don’t carry a knife, having discovered the pen is mightier than the sword. It can sign deposit tickets or write checks, even contracts in a hurry. I don’t know anyone now who thinks knife fighting is good sport.

To be honest, I don’t even care too much about loose change. I toss it in an old Choc-full-of-nuts coffee tin which, when it’s full, brings about $85 at the grocery store. Less, of course, the 10% usury rate they charge to convert to bills. Loose change is like dead batteries…what good is it anymore but to take up space in your pocket? It’s essentially as useless as a dead battery.

Sorry. I’ve drifted so far from my subject of batteries I find myself off in a writer’s ditch of confusion. Bear with me.

There’s a lot of discussion, and frustration associated with the short shelf life of batteries. Tesla is having a hard time selling cars running on battery power alone. I saw recently a plug-in station being run by diesel fuel. Try that on for irony.

Of course, with the Green Movement assault, batteries will soon power everything. We’ll all be wearing battery packs on our back to catch the sun’s rays. Finally, an end to dead batteries of all sorts. I can hardly wait for president Warren’s subsidy to arrive at my door.

Here’s a little-known trick. Spend $2 and save $40 bucks. Hack into a 12-volt battery and you’ll find 8 tiny 1.5 volt ‘button’ batteries. These tiny batteries will power five or six small flashlights. Google can show you how.

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But today I’m going to replace my dead batteries and unload my front pocket. That’s after I recharge my own battery at Starbucks.

What’s in your pocket today?


Bud Hearn
September 20, 2019