The Robbery

Nothing quite like getting robbed first thing in the morning. It kinda sets the day’s tone, wouldn’t you say? At least we weren’t mugged. After all, it was only a lone thief. It was just petty thievery, not grand larceny. The amount stolen was of small value. Our thief was frugal, taking only what could be easily toted. Anyway, we didn’t miss it all that much.

It was bound to happen. It’s the law of probability at work. Such felonious occurrences are more common in difficult times. Thieves thrive where security is lax, entry is easy and the pickings are plentiful. Didn’t Sutton say he robbed banks “…because that’s where the money is?” Apparently our thief was acquainted with Willie’s logic.

This thief was a huge specimen, a fearsome brute on steroids. Forget trying to defend the concept of private property rights with these thugs. Discussions with barbarians fall on deaf ears. I did the smart thing, backing off, zipping my mouth and offering no further verbal threat to the intruder. Look, I’ve had run-ins with these types before. I always come out on the losing end. There’s no glory in a battle with savages. Besides, who needs to endure the brutality of mano-a-mano combat? Discretion is still the better part of valor.

We were once robbed big time in Atlanta by thugs from a roving trailer park gang that terrorized the neighborhood. Not only were they nasty but were crude as well. And they stunk! They plundered the house, looting it of everything from jewelry to guns and leaving the premises in a ravaged mess. Fortunately they left the electric toothbrush, most of the dog food and the huge boulder used to destroy the French door. Their stench remained for days!

The cops responded to the 911 call with usual promptness and wrote a report. “Why us?” I asked stupidly. “It was just your time,” the cop answered. Oh, just the answer I was looking for. I felt better immediately, having now been inducted into the “Just-Your-Time” hall of fame. “Get a big dog,” he added. Neither the goons nor the loot were found. But the insurance company did return my call, so there you go. We bought a Doberman the next week. We’ve been safe ever since…until today.

Today’s thief was methodical, and apparently quite skilled in the nefarious art of stealing. Our home had obviously been scoped out and targeted as an easy mark. Why else would a thief show up in broad daylight and brazenly just take his own sweet time in the larceny? But that’s exactly what happened. Fortunately nothing of real value was taken or damaged. The incident was over in less than five minutes.

Identifying such criminals in a line-up is impossible, although they do tend to run in packs and gangs, pillaging at will with seeming impunity. Not that it would have done much good, since the law only laughs at reports of such insignificant intrusions. We just chalked it up to another “just-our-time” rip-off.

I once had an office on a quiet street in Atlanta. One morning I came in and the entire back door had been ripped from its hinges. All that was stolen was an old black/white TV and my Gore-Tex rain gear. Oh, and he drank the six pack of Bud in the refrig and left the cans. This was not your average thief. He had some class, leaving me his street shoes in place of my new Adidas fast-starts. Hardly a fair trade, but it was a humorous gesture. Touché!

Today’s theft, however, paled with the thievery going on in Washington. Talk about feeling violated! Still, I’m a sucker, an easy touch, for the needy and the down and out. Clearly this thief was both. Quietly he came, quietly he left (I only assume it was a he)….can’t help but appreciate that. So I figured it was a pretty good trade off.

Besides, I don’t think we’ll miss what was taken. After all, how much water from my pool can a large horsefly drink?

Bud Hearn
July 29, 2010