Snake Oil and Other Placebos

The night was unusually dark. Paul’s hand gripped my shoulder like a vice as I stood in the food store checkout line. He whispered furtively, “Have you ever had any Claxton moonshine?” I answered, “No, why do you ask?”

“Meet me in the parking lot,” he said. I found him in a remote parking space, bending over an opened trunk. “Here,” he said, handing me a small Mason jar of amber colored liquid. “Try it, it’s guaranteed to cure what ails you. It was aged in a wooden “kag.”

I downed a small taste, remembering the Polish proverb, “Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.” Not too bad, I thought. So I took a big gulp. Bad move. It tasted like burnt charcoal and coursed through my body like a raging fire. Breathless, I shouted, “Whoa,” wondering if that which doesn’t kill us really makes us stronger. The fire transcended all pain in my body. “See?” he said. “I told you.”

As I recovered, I remembered the river boat trip we took in China. Midway in the excursion we developed a powerful thirst and were offered Chinese Snake Wine. It was a clear liquid in a gallon jug that came with the same promise...a panacea for all that ails you. Coiled in the bottom was a cobra, its menacing eyes glistening, daring us to take a swig. We did. It produced the same result as the moonshine.

Snake Oil, as a remedy for curing ailments, originated in China. Actually, there’s some truth to the promise. In addition to its power to persuade women to eat fruit, snakes do have certain bodily fats and oils that actually remediate inflammation and arthritic pains. It’s sold in Chinese pharmacies today. Of course, the local markets sell everything imaginable to cure ills, from bird nests to shark fins.

Most medicinal promises have a grain of truth. The snake oil theory, now debunked, was based on balancing the bodily humors (fluids). Methods like bleeding with live leeches were worse than the ailments treated. We seem to have some of those same leeches at work in our body politic today, but that’s another story. American ‘medicine men’ took to the countryside with wagon-loads of elixirs having exaggerated promises of cures. They contained mostly alcohol, which does a pretty fair job itself of instant well-being, often becoming habitual.

Modern day hucksters are peddling some of the same placebos with outlandish packaging and exaggerated claims. We have just voted on, and will soon elect, quite a number of these fraudsters. Like the traveling medicine shows of yore, these televised miracle-workers show up with humorous quotations, juggling acts and overblown rhetoric. They complete their acts with testimonials and talking heads to demonstrate cures. Worse, all these “performers” make a living from selling snake oil cure-alls. Americans will buy anything, it seems!

The word “placebo” has an interesting background. It comes from the Latin word, “placere,” meaning “to please.” Placebos often work. They trick the mind of the patient by getting them to believe that the treatment works. Their power of persuasion comes from the packaging and slick marketing campaigns. Yet at best they are but empty promises.

Of course we can blame the Chinese for causing a lot of this. Their remedies showed up in America during the building of the railroads. The Chinese also exported human labor to build it, a built-in customer base. Even to this day we continue to consume their exports.

But Americans have learned a trick or two from snake oil. We’re exporting some “Made in America” snake oil back to the Chinese. I think it’s called U. S. Treasury Certificates. You know, that fiat money we’re fecklessly printing. The T-bill promise-to-pay requires a whole lot of faith and belief in the claims made by our Washington Medicine Men. Only a fool would test the depth of that water with both feet!

But back to the moonshine. It’s in my refrigerator, what’s left that is. I must admit when I have any pain, I take a shot or two. Placebo or not, temporary relief is sometimes better than no relief at all…by whatever means.

Who knows what kind of political placebos we’re electing. Let’s just hope that the remedies they offer are not worse than the ailments they are meant to cure. We each have one vote…better use it wisely.

Bud Hearn
July 22, 2010