Have I Got News for You!

This is all you need…more news commentary from a thoroughly unauthenticated source. Horror and humor lie buried beneath everything you see, read or hear. The trick is to ruthlessly rip it to shreds. The real news crouches in some dark corner.

Good news is a slow seller and hides somewhere out there. It’s difficult to discern. Use your imagination, or talk to your spouse. They have comments you can’t contemplate. It’s the salacious, disgusting and gruesome stuff that sates our starving appetites. Admit it, blood and sex sell!

Some things don’t make the news. Yesterday, I watched from the window as a garter snake stalked a sex-starved lizard. Male lizards attract mates by showing the color of their ‘money.’ Sorta like Donald, the GOP presidential hopeful. The snake soon swallowed the double-luckless lizard. He lost his money and his honey. Maybe we’ll be as lucky with Donald.

A cardinal couple seems to have balanced sex with work. They’ve constructed a nest with nature’s castoffs. It’s nestled among the fragrant jasmine vines outside the screen porch. Two eggs have hatched. With equal fervor the cardinals nurture, feed and teach their offspring good habits. We’ll be sad to see them go.

It’s now illegal for humans to feed bottlenose dolphins. Environmentalists say feeding them creates dependency, makes ‘em beggars and thieves who steal from fishermen. They teach bad habits to others. Sounds a little bit like a welfare system, huh? There’s a bright side to this…fisherman can no longer use the excuse for coming home with beer breath and barren coolers.

My wife’s a Libra. She loves justice. We read in yesterday’s WSJ that a mortgage executive “got what he deserved.” He was tried for fraud, convicted and awaits a jail cell. Said he was a ‘small fish.’ The ‘big fish’ got away. Don’t they always? Maybe they’re fishermen.

Moving on. The Brunswick News reports that some folks were swimming in a pond when their feet touched something strange. Turned out to be a stolen jeep. As a youth, I’ve dipped my naked body into many dark ponds, but never let my feet touch bottom. Nothing good lives in muck and slime. Sorta like the fear of putting your feet off the bed at night…what’s under there to grab you? Anyway, I remembered Biblical warnings that all sins will someday be revealed. I’ll be more cautious where I put my feet.

A study reported that humans, God’s crowning achievement according to some, have assumed they possessed 100,000 genes. Come to find out they only have about 30,000, about the same as rats. Think of where this tidbit will lead the imagination. Darwin, rest in peace…you have been affirmed!

My wife reads the obits. She observes there’s little creativity in the announcements of the departed. Says they’re boring… “He died. She passed on. He went to meet his maker.” She says I should run for political office or start preaching. Said she’d then discover all my secrets. I squirm. After inspecting the knives, and checking on the pistol, I give her some obit suggestions.

Try these... “He died as he lived---broke.” Or, “He settled all his debts today, but one.” How about, “He ended his short visit here.” She rolls her eyes. “His loan was called,” I say. She shakes her head. “Real estate did him in.” Better. She smiles. It’s good to have one’s wife smiling early in the morning. I continue. “He departed as he came---naked.” Stupid, she says. I remembered a fellow once jumped from a tall building. His obit read, “He jumped to a hasty conclusion.”

Have you ever wondered who owns a dead body? First, the state. Then the morgue owns it. Possession is then passed to the funeral home. Then they sell the body back to the family. Finally, the body belongs to the dust. What a ride!

We live longer these days. Soon 100-year olds will be common. Speculation is that half of all girls born today will live past 100. Without men, who’ll support ‘em? Just a thought.

As I leave I shout to my wife, telling her to write in my obit, “He Finally Got What He Deserved.” I still hear her laughing.

Bud Hearn
April 28, 2011