Polygamy is Popular Again

Only the intrepid would dare touch the subject of polygamy. Just to utter the word in mixed company chills the atmosphere.

Scattered on our kitchen table are days of unread newspapers. They lie there because I have good intentions of reading every word…sooner or later. Yes, you’re right…my wife is away, leaving only the dogs and me, neither of whom are particularly concerned with table clutter.

She returns today, so I scan the newsprint for content worthy of reading. The headlines are grim: Government Shutdown Imminent; Jet Skin Rips Apart in Flight; Japan Cleans Up; Portugal Pleads for Rescue; and, NFL Lockout—Pro Football Season in Question. OMG, who needs to read that at the start of a day. Then, an article on Polygamy grabs me…ah, now there’s a subject that will galvanize a man’s attention.

Actually, the article’s not very interesting. It leaves off interviews with participants involved in such aberrant behavior. All that readers really want is to chew on the juicy tidbits of the deviant life-styles of others. It’s a human condition, this dumpster diving into the degenerate details of people’s lives.

A question pops up…Why would anyone with a gnat’s brain commit to a polygamist relationship? I toss the newspaper aside and crank up the computer. Who needs the judgment of some unknown journalist on the subject? I have my own opinions, which will surely pollute your mind.

First, why would any man suppose it’s humanly possible to ‘satisfy’ one woman, much less several? Men are just not that smart! I pick up the phone, call a female friend and pose the question. Her answer reveals her revulsion as the venom seeps through the wireless. But she answers, “As strange as it may sound, it makes perfect sense.”

Intrigued by such a reply of a staunch Baptist, I ask why she thinks this. “Simple, you fool,” she says. “Think about it…a household bulging at the seams with women, every man’s dream. Of course, they would all have to be mute and beautiful, brainless troglodytes with bleached blonde hair and Bodies by Barbie. After all, isn’t that what most men want in a woman?” I refuse to take her bait and withhold my comments, a wise choice.

She continues, “A man could have a wife for every chore imaginable, like one for cooking, one for cleaning, one for parties, one for yard maintenance, five or six for romance, one for this and that and everything else.” I thank her for the opinion and end the call before things turn nasty.

Her comment about ‘brainless’ captured me. It doesn’t take long for any man to conclude that there is barely enough money in his pocket to maintain one woman. Women can burn through bank accounts like Sherman’s march through Georgia. Just imagine the constant complaints and costs of supporting twenty or so wives. Horrors! There are the issues of clothes, jewelry, botox, cars, houses, children, food, vacations and everything else required to keep wives satisfied. Where’s the money coming from, a job at Wal-Mart? Who else would hire a man so dumb!

In spite of this, the journalist opines that polygamy is popular and growing in Muslim tribes and North African enclaves, hoards of whom are now migrating to the US. Apparently our laws encourage such polygamist behavior by rewarding stipends for multiple children. Childbirth seems to be a growth industry among polygamists.

My mind moves on. Why would a woman want multiple husbands? I can find no reason. Who would want a house full of snoring men, always hungry, watching TV sports, listening to Glenn Beck, sucking down beers, stinky clothes everywhere, wet towels on the floor, toilet lids always up, dirty dishes in the sink, constant complaints and procrastinations, and, yes, unread newspapers scattered on kitchen tables.

Friends, there’s not a woman yet born that’s dumb enough to make such a mammoth mistake as marrying multiple men.

The article concludes, saying that one polygamist from a Mormon sect has set up shop in British Columbia, since Canadian law permits polygamy. Can you guess the name of the town he founded? That’s right…Bountiful, BC.

Medical science is still working to isolate the gene that causes polygamy. Perhaps they should study the root cause … Stupidity!

Bud Hearn
April 7, 2011