Making a Fool of Yourself...An Experiment

Friends: Making a Fool of Yourself…An Experiment

Some of you have asked what I do after work on my frequent trips to Atlanta. The following is an excerpt of a recent Monday night when four of us boys were bored and ventured out on an “experiment” to Hal’s in Buckhead, a favorite piano bar and restaurant where smoking and innuendo mix with macho tales of life long past. It is no sleazy “pick-up” joint per se, but some have been known to have come back the next day to retrieve their cars. But we were in for fun, drinks and food, and “The Experiment.”

Since this is a small island, the names of the participants have been obscured for obvious reasons…except for me, and you can never tell what part of “me” is actually me or some figment of somebody else…I leave you to figure that out. But “The Experiment” was to come up with some award-winning “pick-up” lines and try them in actual practice on some of the “worthy” patrons. So we got a bunch of them on-line, put them in a hat and drew out some for the experiment. Let me say that while we weren’t actually “urged” to leave the premises, the police were sitting in their cruiser outside just in case!

As we entered, and before we got “started,” “Gov” asked the cutest “greeter”, “Hon, where’s the bathroom?”, which unfortunately set the tone for the rest of the night…we were not taken too seriously! We quickly ordered refreshments and the cocktail waitress, about 25 or so, was the first “subject:” “Sweetie,” “The Barrister” said, “I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?” It fell dead to the floor with a thud! Soon she was back, though, and it was my time: “Baby,” I asked, “what good is it for me to inherit $10 million when I have a weak heart?” That one got some traction, “Really,” she said, “you’ll need it, and leave me a big tip!” “The Tycoon” was laughing his head off, when a cutie walked by, and he winked at us and said, “Darling, my name is Mr. Right, and I heard you were looking for me.” I’m not sure of the exact words, but they seemed harsh as she uttered expletives and quickly sat down by a big burly fellow, who kept eyeing “Tycoon” for the rest of the night. We were a little unnerved, I might add.

Unnerved, maybe, but not undeterred. “Gov” returned from the bathroom, and as he passed a blonde seated at the bar, he smiled and said, “Honey, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” The peanuts narrowly missed his head! The Barrister tried a serious one on a cute redhead: “Hi, your daddy must have been a terrorist, because you are the bomb.” She made a certain finger sign as she walked on past. I noticed, shall I say, a mature lady sitting alone, and I wandered over and tried my best farm line on her: “Hi, do you want to see the new Velvet Elvis painting I just hung in my trailer?” From the glazed look in her eyes I knew she was a troubled soul, and so without incident I moved on back to the comfort of my pals. The Barrister singled out what looked like a serious businesswoman, and shocked us when he said, “Sister, can we talk…I’m entering the priesthood tomorrow.?” She fled quickly to the manager and we got more dirty looks.

“Man,” we all lamented, “we were doing all right until you brought God into this…we’ll be cursed from now on and “The Experiment” will surely end in failure or a worse fate befall us.” But we continued until the food came, much with the same result, but not without a lot of laughs. Here are a few more lines you may want to consider on your next “experiment:” “You look a lot like my next girlfriend,” or, “You must be a parking ticket because you have “fine” written all over you”, or, “Can you catch, because I’m falling for you.” This is quite enough, I think…

Gorged with food and laughter, we ambled out about 8:00, having just made the cut for the “early-bird” specials. As we walked past the “Greeter,” and her friend, I heard them exclaim, “Now, aren’t they cute?” With that I knew “The Experiment” had failed, but we had a good time conducting it. This is what we do when we’re in Atlanta…and by 9:00 we were all safely in bed, alone, and we didn’t have to come back the next day to get our cars!


Bud
November 15, 2007