Roundabout Madness...An Island Parody

Roundabout Madness…
An Island Parody

The dreaded shoe finally fell with an awful thud…. “The Roundabout” became a reality and the Commissioners have gone into hiding!

Its opening was punctuated by a wild ecstasy of relief amid a frenetic circus atmosphere. Its epiphany opened the door for Change and Speed, the two Arch-enemies of all small communities. Bells, tolling in the distance, echoed the prophetic words of the Biblical Job,

“…that which I greatly feared has come upon me.”

The genteel serenity of the island has now been violated by first-time navigators of this medieval device. Panic and confusion reigned as the elderly were harassed by horn-honking transients in black-windowed SUVs, yelling obscenities, their menacing fists beating the air. Oh yes, Change and Speed does this to people. It reminded me of an old Southern cliché:

“In little towns, beware of swallowing a cold drink of water and a new idea at the same time!”

For weeks in advance officials offered classes and tutorials on the “Roundabout Navigation” of such novelties imported from Paris, Rome and London. It is even rumored that island visitors will soon be required to complete 5 hours of classroom instruction before being issued an island visa. Only rumor.

This Roundabout madness is spreading like wildfire throughout the island and seeping onto the mainland. It is whispered about that the Pink Ladies Auxiliary is offering on-site training sessions at peak traffic hours. It was heard recently that long lines were forming at the local churches for classes in road rage and anger management. Hurry, space is limited.

In the circle’s center the local police, armed with citation pads, were busy handing out writs to ladies on cell phones and to those who were confused by the “Yield” signs. All the while cash donations were being solicited by certain concerned citizens seeking to erect a bronze statue to an undisclosed dignitary. Lively discussions continue as to a moat to be filled with hungry alligators around the periphery… but my sources are somewhat suspect.

New ideas bring out the best in creativity. Viewing stands overlooking The Roundabout are being planned to offer beer and boiled peanuts where observers can witness the circular madness … or so I heard. Birthday parties and field trips of small children in yellow buses will surely arrive soon.

Why would a remote island need a Roundabout, you ask? Well, its purpose is to eliminate traffic inertia and keep vehicles flowing at even speeds, kinda like those revolving doors in large office buildings. And traffic had begun to hang up at that intersection, angering the snow-cone vendors at East Beach who were complaining of weak profits.

What is the genesis of Roundabouts? The details are shrouded in mystery, but I’d heard they were conceived in the late 19th Century by an Italian road engineer named Giovanni. Rumor has it he was charged with the job of futuristic road designs, but had difficulty coming up with novel ideas. Seems Giovanni was a poor reader, and somehow he mistook Oil of Olive salad dressing for Oil of Castor. The next morning he experienced The Law of Unintended Consequences and, voila, the Roundabout concept issued forth. But don’t quote me on this!

I once had a neighbor, Mr. Pope. He was about 90 and an avid walker. One day I asked, “Say, Mr. Pope, how come you walk so much?” He answered, “Sonny boy, my Doc told me if I quit moving forward my legs’d seize up and I‘d spend the rest of my life in a chair. So, I don’t look back but just keep moving forward ~~ I have no other choice.” Moving forward ~~ that’s what Roundabouts do, and now we have no other choice either.

Alas, progress, ever transient, has inalterably changed the island... Novelty soon loses its appeal. We reluctantly adjust to Change and Speed, and time finds us joining with the Band, Alabama, in these words:

“Song, song of the South…,
Gone, gone with the wind,
There ain’t nobody looking back again.”

Satchel Paige once remarked, “Don’t look back, something might be gaining on you.” He is clearly in lockstep with Giovanni and Mr. Pope in their wisdom on Progress: Anything that keeps us moving forward can’t be all bad! So, while you’re roundabout the island, remember when you enter The Roundabout to keep moving and lay off the cell phone.

And if you see a lone biker talking on a cell and going in circles, keep your horn and curses to yourself ~ it might be me…and I failed the anger management course! See you roundabout!

Bud
May 7, 2008