Stuff Happens...Call Joe the Plumber

Stuff Happens…
Call Joe the Plumber

I knew all along you could not be trusted with money.

I go to China for a few weeks and look what happened…you let the markets sink, credit seize up and $9 trillion of wealth leak out. It must have been one hell of a party you had. The whole plumbing system is now stopped up, and leaks are spurting everywhere in the house and yard! What did you put down the drains? Now we have to call Joe the Plumber to get things fixed.

I called Joe, but he was busy explaining his dilemma to Barack, and like all the other plumbers, he “promised” to get by as soon as he could ~ as soon as his celebrity status ended. You know Joe, the Toledo Pretender…claimed he was a Master Plumber, but was nothing more than an apprentice. “Not to worry,” he advised…”try the old remedies first, then call me back.”

You know these: Infusion, Ingestion and Intrusion. “Infuse” the system with excessive amounts of that caustic chemical Drain-O and watch the toxic poisons bubble out and fill the air with poisonous gases. Didn’t work, Joe.

“OK,” he said, “now try ‘Ingesting’ Rid-X into the sewer lines.” Did that, and while the septic caldron boiled and rumbled, the problem persisted. Panic now…. “Joe, Help, our options are running out, and we have another party scheduled.” Not to worry.

Finally… here comes Joe, driving a used Brinks truck, and toting a large Roto Rooter with a camera attached. Drastic measures are at hand with a Roto Rooter…some of you have had that experience, I suspect. Well, grinding and grating ensued, and the breakthrough began. The camera inserted into the system reveals the problems clearly, and we now see where the leaks are. Whew, things will soon flow again…maybe we can have another party soon! Thanks, Joe!

Now, Joe the Plumber comes from a long line of venerable leak-pluggers. Originally, plumbers were experts with the use of molten lead to plug leaky cracks. Lately, the financial system has taken to alchemizing lead into gold, but as we’ve seen, it was lead all along, and the pipes wouldn’t hold the pressure of the system-overload. And come to find out, the financiers were not really licensed plumbers either, just apprentices overloading the system, having fun at the party.

We can trust our political leaders to stop leaks, right? Well, before you put too much stock in these solutions, remember President Nixon’s “Watergate Seven Plumbers” who attempted to plug the media pipes…remember that spectacle? Sorry…keep Joe’s number handy.

Want a perspective? This week was the birthday of Dr. Timothy Leary, leader of the League of Spiritual Discovery (“LSD” for the illiterati). He was jailed for experimentation with hallucinogens and psychedelics long before they became popular. Wall Street has now hooked Main Street into experimenting with these financial hallucinogens for the last 15 years or so, better termed “Magical Thinking.” Well, Good Morning, America…the hangover is just beginning, and no “morning-after” pill will eliminate the debauchery of this party. Reality has set in ~ the drug-induced state of the last several years is now an ugly past.

Infusion, Ingesting and Intrusion…thanks to Hank, the Treasury Department Plumber, we may yet get the system unclogged, the leaks repaired and the house in order for another party.

Unfortunately, the bill has arrived…and like Joe’s invoice, it is more than we can pay. No, the party will have to wait, but in the meantime, we can certainly live on the memories of the bacchanalian excesses we’ve had. And I hope that one day we may again say, “Let the good times roll.”

Bud
October 23, 2008