Digressions of a Dilettante

Digressions of a Dilettante
Vignettes of Inanity by Bud Hearn

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Yarn-Spinner's Christmas Grab Bag

The Yarn-Spinner’s Christmas Grab Bag

In a few weeks we will again be asked to believe in the improbable: That reindeer can fly, sleds sail through air, elves jingle and a fat man in a red suit slides down chimneys. Yes, it’s Christmas again.

We also ask the same question every year about this time: “What do you want for Christmas?” And we usually get, and give, the same vapid answers: “I don’t know,” or, “Oh, I don’t need anything,” or more stupidly, “Whatever you do, don’t spend much money.” Familiar? Another desperate cycle of Christmas shopping!

It’s true, of course that we don’t really “need” much…but we surely do “want” something nonetheless. An “Amen” here is appropriate! How about a real surprise this year…no more socks, slippers, cookbooks, and PLEASE, no more pot-pourri. Opt for the bold, the creative, and for once in your life, go all-out wild for Christmas.

But “How,” we wonder? Gifts do not appear by some stroke of magic just because we wait until the last minute, and we always end up with the Christmas Blues again---but wait! This year Santa’s special emissary, The Island Yarn-Spinner, is offering some truly unique gift ideas from his grab bag…gifts certain to dazzle, amuse, entertain, insult, horrify, recycle and exchange, and some rules for shopping.

Gifts for The Frugal: For Stocking Stuffers try the banks…they’re loaded now with jars of candy and ball-point pens, as well as gifts for patrons, like beer mugs, coffee cups, Frisbees, ice coolers, note pads and key rings, yours for the taking. Cost? Free…Load up early and often.

Gift Boxes: Buy large quantities of specialty retailer’s boxes, like Tiffany’s and Neiman-Marcus, and fill the gaily wrapped boxes with very cheap merchandise. Who’ll suspect? Cost? About $20.

For Unwanted Relatives: “Ah, Mom, not THEM again?” Yes, Aunt Maude and Uncle Eldo… for such there are great choices at the island drug stores, cornucopias of useless trinkets like Robot Pickup, magic tricks, magnifying glasses, bulging eyes on slinky springs, incense sticks and assorted elixirs for all pains, real and imagined. For the lot, about $30, and you’ll get an unparalleled bonus: they will never spend Christmas with you again!

Flowers: Thoughtful…says a lot about the giver. Try the cheap silk ones at the flea market…great choices, though a bit dusty. Cost? Less than $20. Lasts forever.

For the Discerning Shopper: Try Fine Art. Much can be had everywhere, though the term, “fine art,” is a relative one. Quilts, blankets, velvet Elvises and sunsets can be negotiated with roadside gypsies on the cheap…and with shocked disbelief, your recipient will gasp, “Wow, too nice, too nice.” Caution: all sales are final.

Jewelry. Beware …sleazy New York carpetbaggers infiltrate the South peddling jewelry…the term, “satisfaction guaranteed,” is suspect. Advice? Avoid alcoholic eggnog when shopping for jewelry. But for an ephemeral bargain, “gold” Rolexes with “real” diamond bezels can be had on some street corners for as little as $50. OK, so the “gold” fades in about 2 weeks, and it stops recording time altogether…but hey, what does last these days?…it was Made in China. A heart-stopper.

Clothing. Generally smart to avoid. But if you must, try shopping online, www.Harley, and have it delivered right to your door. “It?” you ask? Yes, those sought-after leather “intimates” your spouse always wanted. Think Marlon Brando here and go wild! Choices unlimited, but pricey.

Disguises and Pretenses. Christmas is incomplete without glitter and flash. The cheap way out? Splurge on big boxes, expensive wrapping paper and ribbons, and fill them with such tasteless frivolities as:
Handbags made of recycled tire tubes…chic this year. Cost? $11.95
Photographs of your mother-in-law, framed by an old toilet lid found on a construction site. Cost? Free…her look, Priceless! Hang in guest bedroom for added effect.
Hub-cap wind chimes for a neighbor. Cost? $25, and a neighbor who will avoid you forever…a real winner.
Spam, a caviar substitute suitable for hors d’oeuvre in certain circles.
A year’s gift certificate for Waffle House hash-browns.
And for real shock and awe, write and circulate your own obituary or eulogy. Never leave such important matters to others, ‘because nobody knows the real facts better than you. Even if you survive 2009, it can be posted at conspicuous places as reminders to employees or friends of your importance.

Some Don’ts for the Last Minute Shopper:
Never give your wife a homemade fur coat, no matter what the price.
Chainsaws, while utilitarian, are not acceptable as musical instruments.
Never purchase jewelry at any hardware store.
Wine as a gift is acceptable, but not in cardboard or plastic containers.

Look, Christmas is not for sissies…so when time gets short, as it will, your nerves frazzled and ideas stifled, then take that plunge into the Yarn-Spinner’s Grab Bag and make it a memorable Christmas. And if the gifts bomb out on Christmas morning, just remember two things: First, you can blame it on others, as you have done for everything else that failed in your life; and Secondly, leave the “From” name off of the gift card, feign ignorance and “Deny, Deny, Deny.”

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there…” and again this year he will not disappoint!

So, for 2008, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...”. Just don’t forget what Christmas is really all about.

Bud Hearn
December 1, 2008

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