The Thrill is Gone

“The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone away for good…I know I’ll be over it all baby, Just like I know a man should.” Wilson Pickett

June 9, 1909. It was not a good year for the male population of the U.S. Darwin had been right about evolution. This date ranked up there with the year 1920, when things really went sideways.

The newspaper read:
“On this day in 1909 the first woman to drive across the U.S., Alice Ramsey, a New Jersey housewife, left with three friends to a fanfare of media attention. In 1909 very few women drove automobiles, and some doctors thought that it was dangerous for women to even ride in cars because they would get too ‘worked up’ at more than 20 miles an hour….”

Get that? “Too worked up” at speeds over 20 miles an hour! Evolution sped forward. President Wilson and a male Congress granted women’s suffrage in 1920. Clearly, there was no turning the clock back now, women were out of the kitchens and fields ~~ to God knows where. What could men have possibly been thinking?

It started in The Garden with Eve, The Rib of Adam. Somehow a snake had escaped from the Heavenly Zoo, making a home in the Paradise of Eden. The Trickster found The Rib daydreamingly wandering, obviously bored with the thrill-less garden life, desiring more.

“Hey Rib, wanna thrill? Sink your teeth into this fruit.” She did and things for Adam went downhill fast.

“Adam, I now see things for what they are. This isn’t paradise, Green Acres is out there!” She pointed to the vast horizon outside The Gate.

“Talkin’ to strangers again, Sweetie?” he asked.

“Look,” The Rib spoke, “you dumb hick. I met a most charming creature, a snake, who had panache and Hollywood connections. Let’s split from this garden where all you do is prune and weed-pluck. Boooooooring! What kind of career is this? You’re going no where!” She stomped off in search of the snake.

Day and night she kept up the harsh harangue, saying, “Listen, Adam, I have told you until I was blue in the face, ‘Get me out of this insipid place.’ Just look out there, you dirt bag, are you blind? Out there lies a brave new world, teeming with adventure, country clubs and shopping. I want to go there, now! If you have any guts at all, you’d pack us up and leave now.” He pleaded, “Now Honey, don’t get too worked up about things. They’ll work out. You’ll see.”

She had lain awake night after night, gazing at the stars, and wishing on them. “Helloooo up there, are you listening? Please (not a word she cared for, too demeaning, she thought), whoever you are up there, find a way to move us from this vapid existence where it’s just dullsville and daily grind. We want excitement, intrigue, entertainment, and money, yeah, lots of money, and there’s none of that here. Besides, I’m not too wild about my husband’s fig leaf…and I can tell you my wardrobe is the pits. Look, we didn’t exactly ask to be here, you know.” They heard, commenting, “The Rib’s really worked up. Things are getting interesting.”

Poor Adam. He wandered aimlessly alone in the garden, mumbling to himself, kicking stones and cursing the day he’d exchanged a rib for this “help mate.” What a joke… a bad trade. The Rib was constantly dissatisfied. Oh, he knew the problem. She had bludgeoned him with it constantly. “Look at the sky, fly me to the moon, won’tcha? I want to fly among the clouds while I’m young and cute. And look at the horizon…why, imagine if there were roads. Why, I could drive to my heart’s content, carpooling, Starbucks, fast food drive-thrus and vacations. Yes, remember vacations? We haven’t had one of those since we showed up in this place.”

He was at his wits end. But he was not alone. Her insufferable attitude had caused consternation with the Heavenly Trio. A hasty conference had been called, and there was plenty of finger-pointing to go around. One said, “Our plan has gone awry.” Another, “Well, I told You what would happen when you made a woman out of a rib.” The Last One said, “And who let the snake out?” Clearly something must be done. Everyone had gotten worked up and the thrill was gone.

The Chairman said, “I have an idea. Let’s grant her wish.” Brilliant, the Board agreed, and so it was done (but it was a hasty decision all would live to regret).

In no time Eve had her wish. Only thing she didn’t plan on was the Law of Unintended Consequences, children! Moreover, she now had to suffer the grapes of wrath from her husband, the itinerant farmer, whining about the cursed ground, thorns and thistles, and not enough money. “Look, Honey, I’m working my fingers to the bone, and for what? You should have left well enough alone. Where’re the fun and games you promised? You should have left that fruit alone.”

The Big Three had a good laugh and rested from their stratagems. But they had a gnawing suspicion that more would be needed. The Boss said, “Brainstorm, boys…listen. The Rib will soon be bored and want new thrills. Ribs are never satisfied and will invade into every nook and cranny, such as claiming equal rights, preaching, running government, exploring our heavens, driving Hummers and flying Lear’s. There’s no limit to the evolution of a dissatisfied and errant rib bone. So, send that Ford fellow, the Wright boys, the Steinem shrew, and that nut-case Hillary. They will keep ‘em busy for quite some time.” So it came to pass and it was good for more laughs.

Things have gone pretty much according to plan…men still work, suffer verbal abuse and all manner of humiliation. Then they die. Slick the Snake still slinks, and The Rib’s ancestors drive, fly, govern air and land and torture families of innocent rib donors. Do they still caucus with Slick? Nah, too scary to ponder.

The Ribs now have it all, and there’s little left for them to “get worked up about.” The Great Triune acknowledged the flawed plan, but enjoyed watching the evolution of the unfolding comedy. It was imply too hilarious to correct.

Now getting “worked up” can mean more than mere anxiety. While the thrill may be gone from 20 mph, men still hold out hope for the resurrected thrill of the other meaning!

And Heavenly laughter continues!


Bud Hearn
June 14, 2009