The New Mafia....Money Transcends Murder

Friends: The New Mafia...
Money Transcends Murder

"Not even the best vengeance pays the rent.” Tony Soprano

The New Mafia...why is that a surprising concept? Why, just look at the presidential election process...promises of change and hope, new faces in Washington, and lots of new money, Fed gone wild, tax rebates in the mail...money, money, money everywhere. Everybody's in the game, and why not the Mafia?

I know this because my friend, Michael "The Nose" Dioguardi, scion of an old and venerable Mafia family from Pennsylvania, rolled onto the island last night under the cover of darkness (isn't that the way they always arrive?), fresh from profiteering from the Florida primary. He had sniffed out early the way the wind was blowing and profited obscenely by going short on Giuliani with the Vegas bookies. His job was done and money flowed. How? Read on.

Michael "The Nose" is the new breed of Mafia Chieftain, skilled in sniffing out opportunities and subversive manipulations of people and events. "The Nose", you see, has a unique proclivity: He is able to sniff out smells of all sorts, like a bloodhound. For example, he learned early from his uncle, Johnny Dio, The Pennsylvania Family Patriarch, how to sniff out the singular ingredients in spaghetti meat sauce, from which it's reported came the recipe for Newman's Own. His talent was perfected in the Catholic Church where he was able to locate phony Professors of the Faith and shake them down, increasing the church's budget ten-fold.

"Nose" found this skill both a blessing and a curse in the college Frat house where, often beaten by his Brothers, he was forced to spend time in sorority houses "nosing out" the co-eds who were insecure or homesick and needed consolation. One evening turned particularly nasty, and only when The Godfather promised the Dean "a deal he couldn't refuse" that "Nose" came out of hiding and was allowed to remain in college at Rollins.

"Nose" moved on from silly fraternity tricks to the serious money of the securities business, where he was adept at sniffing out fear, weakness, desperation and greed. He became the mentor of an infamous start-up trader named Manny Milken. From there he moved into heavy equipment...and in visits to state capitols was able to sniff out vulnerable politicians with small budgets and capture the most lucrative road-building contracts. He has turned down numerous book deals and offers for TV time from Oprah, Larry King and Trump, preferring to remain under the radar and content with his fortune.

Currently in the “laundry” business, "The Nose" is considering retirement now, but I am plying him with my very best wine in hopes of getting some assistance in the real estate business. Yes, it would be a big help to know just which investors are bleeding badly enough to sell out for pennies on the dollar...My late-blooming career could use a boast!

I have convinced "Nose" to pass on his valuable built-in ability to others, and he has agreed to set up a training school for this purpose. Applications are limited, but for those selected the course comes with a money-back guarantee to sniff out anything...for the right money, of course. See me for details.

"The Nose" has made three predictions for 2008, so bet accordingly: One, The Patriots will triumph in the Super Bowl; Two, it'll be McCain vs. Obama in November; and Three, Money will continue to transcend about near everything else.

Bad blood be damned, The New Mafia Creed has taken on a Biblical perspective, though ill-contextualized, of course: “Money answereth all things.” (Eccl 10:19) Let the good times roll!


Bud
January 31, 2008